JUSTJOE

 I met Joe online.  I didn’t really think he’d be interested in me because I was 8 years older than him.  His profile seemed fun and happy and I liked that he said he played league volleyball.  Really, I just wanted to chat about volleyball.  So I sent him a message asking where he played.  

He responded and told me he played indoor at his gym from time to time.  OK, so he wasn’t a serious baller, but he responded.  We chatted sporadically over the next few weeks, while I was recuperating from knee surgery.  Eventually suggested we meet.  He said he wanted to talk on the phone before we met because he could eliminate a lot of bad matches that way.  My personal take on that is that I don’t like to get too invested in a relationship before I meet.  Ok, whatever, I’ll talk to you first if that makes you happy. 

We talked twice on the phone and made plans to meet.  He kept calling it our first date. I explained that it wasn’t a date so much as a “meet” to get to know each other.  Semantics.

We agreed to meet at a local pub.  He asked what I was planning to wear.  I found that odd since I’ve never had a man ask or care how I was going to look.  He proceeded to tell me about the shopping he had done that day and how he wanted to dress  a little nicer than the casual style I had suggested…since it was our first impression.

So we meet.  He looks like his pictures and that’s a good thing.  He assesses me and laughs because I look just like my pictures.  Then he proceeds to take my phone off my hip holster and puts it on the bar top.  He says, “if we’re going to be together, you can’t have a phone on your hip.  It’s unattractive and my friends will bust my chops over this.”  I let it slide, but inform him later that this is how I roll and that it is he who will have to deal with it.  A few minutes later, he starts telling a story and criticizes how I rest my chin on my hand to listen.  Later, he starts picking on the fact that I bite my nails and tells me he’ll help me stop.   Sorry, this is a lifelong habit, and I don’t think it’s going to change at this point.

After our second beer, he suggests we change up the venue and asks what I want to do.  I tell him I’m doing what I want…getting to know him in a comfortable environment where we can hear each other.  Out of the blue, he suggests we go back to my house and have another drink there.   I laugh and say, ‘Ummm, that’s NOT going to happen tonight.”  Without missing a beat, he asks where I want to go.  I suggest the other bar he had originally wanted to go to so we could hear some live music.  He agrees and pays the bill.  He walks me to the parking lot and says he’ll follow me there.

I see his car waiting. I go ahead. I turn in to the lot and he doesn’t.  He must have missed the turn. I park and wait.   And wait.  Then I call.  No answer.  Then it hits me that something is not right.  I txt him and ask, “Um, did you just blow me off?”  He responds…

+Joe: At 50, either things arr e gonna happen or not. Wasn't feeling they were. 10:40 PM

Me: No problem, thx for responding 10:42 PM

Me: Because I didn't want to take you home the night I met you? 10:45 PM

+Joe: Kinda. Ur a completely cool chica. 10:46 PM

+Joe: Some things just happen 10:47 PM

Me: I know, but what you just did was major uncool 10:47 PM

+Joe: What...so ur butt-hurt? Honey make it happen or join the rest. 10:51 PM

Me: thx for the drinks 10:52 PM

+Joe: De nada 10:52 PM

Me: Happy to join the ranks of the gals that didn't just put out. Your loss. Sorry you wasted both of our Sat nights hoping for an easy lay. But mostly, sending me to another bar alone was wrong. 11:03 PM

+Joe: Wanna come over baby? 11:09 PM

Me: Not now that you've shown your true colors. 11:10 PM

+Joe: ? 11:15 PM

Me: You are an asshole looking for a quick lay. You say you want a long term relationship, but aren't willing to put in more than 2 hours and 2 beers to find it. Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll find a perfect match some day with a gal with no substance. I'm far from a prude, but it never happens the first night if I want to see you again. You're revealed yourself as an asshole who would send a nice person on a would goose chase rather Than being honest.don't bother contacting me again. 11:21 PM

+Joe: Doosh 1:36 AM

Think I know now why he wanted to call it a date rather than a meet. 

Call me old fashioned, but I’m still surprised by this.

TATTOOED LOVE BOYS

“Oh but the prestige and the glory, another human interest story, you are that.” -"Tattooed Love Boys" by The Pretenders

I met him online. Searching a new site and not liking my choices. Then there’s this very hot guy. The ONLY one I’d be interested in. I wink at him. The next day he wrote to me. We write a few times and then start talking on the phone. He sounds young, and fun. He’s actually close to my age and has a good job in architectural lighting. He’s a divorced dad to one child. He’s also an artist and a former lead singer for a death metal band. We talk for hours. We decide it’s time to meet.

We meet at a Tempe bar that has a “parlour” setup. Sitting on the couch, we really start to connect. We’re comparing music and pictures. All is good. He’s shorter than I like, but he is really cute…and fun. We end up holding hands. He walks me to my car. We end up visiting each other for another hour in the very public parking lot. Chemistry…check!

He has LOTS of tattoos. Not my thing, but I can appreciate the effort and that some people like it. It’s certainly not a turn-off. He had the full arm sleeve. One was very large across his chest and abdomen to memorialize his murdered brother. He also had a pierced bar in his ear. The last night I saw him, he confesses that he has to sit to pee…because of a penis piercing. Funny I never noticed any extra holes, lol.

We start to see each other frequently. Unfortunately he lives in the far North Central part of town. My mom was renting a room from me at the time, so we always stayed at his house. Nights that he had custody were especially difficult because I’d have to drive home before morning. He was so nice though…he’d talk to me on the phone the whole way home to make sure I stayed awake and alert.

He got busy on a video project…a video montage for a rich friend’s birthday party. It took a lot of his time and he shared a lot of it with me. He took me to his client’s house when he delivered it. I was really becoming a part of his life. I felt like I finally had a boyfriend. My first boyfriend since Ground Zero. I might survive that heartbreak and find love again.

I was invited to a Halloween party and we made plans to go. We talked on the phone a few days before and started planning our costumes.

Day of the party, I haven’t heard from him in 2 days. I txt him and ask if we should have a plan by now. No response. A few hours later, I call and leave a message. No response. I never heard from him again and went to the party alone.

I sent an email through the dating site. He blocked me! I signed up using a fake profile and picture of one of my hot friends. He immediately contacted the “new” me. I responded with a nice excited lead in, then gradually mentioned that he reminded me of my last boyfriend who…and went into a tirade so he knew it was me. I got so much pleasure knowing he was reading it all excited, then had the sudden realization that it was me!

Short of showing up on his doorstep, I really have no way of knowing what happened. I still see him on other dating sites. I’ve asked many times if he would just explain and I would leave him alone. He never responds.

This one hurts.

Butt Head

The Bird’s Nest. It’s the biggest party in Scottsdale. Once a year, this temporary tent goes up at the golf tournament. It’s a huge party with great bands, great drinks, and 1000’s of people.

I am there with one of my girlfriends. Not long after arriving, we meet these men in the bar line. This one is handsome and the more we talk, I learn he is a Chandler native. I’m a Phoenix native and have lots of Chandler roots. He is now the president of a land development company and doing quite well. So while waiting in this ridiculously long line, we are comparing notes about how the town used to be and who we mutually know. By the time we get to order our drinks, we’re old friends. He’s introduced his buddies to my girlfriend. Everyone’s having fun.

He pays for our drinks. He leads me to the dance floor. OK, it’s all a big dance floor, but he leads me to the front so I can see the band and we can dance. Then he leans over and kisses me. Ok, so this could be fun. He leads me from the dance floor and we talk more. He asks me out on a dinner date. Has it all planned out. We’re going to meet at his health club and play tennis, then we’ll clean up and go out for a nice dinner. When am I available? I pull out my phone and look at my calendar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no…. OK, here’s my first available date. He is floored. “I have to wait 3 weeks to take you out to dinner?” Technically it’s only 19 days, but yes. I have a very busy schedule. I am amused by this because my best friend once told me, “don’t ACT busy, BE busy.” Well I certainly have got that one down. According to her, it’s supposed to make me more interesting and attractive. I’m not sure HE thinks so.

Anyway, we dance some more, drink some more, and then he decides we should all leave and go get some food. We take a cab to a local restaurant and eat. Then the cab takes us all to his place for more drinks.

This is where it gets strange. As soon as we get there, his buddies all bail and go to bed. So it’s him and me and my girlfriend. She’s ready to leave and waiting in the living room. He and I are in the kitchen and he’s kissing me. It’s about 2 am and get this…..

HE FALLS ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF KISSING ME!

His head bobs and he head butts me!!! It wakes him up and he doesn’t even realize what he’s done. OMG! I cannot believe this just happened. Realizing the night has taken a bad turn, I ask him to call the cab to take me home. We return to the living room and he tries to call the cab. He keeps falling asleep in the middle of dialing. I have to keep waking him up to get him to finish the call. He finishes the call and keeps trying to kiss me. At this point, I am so turned off by him, there is no kissing. The cab took forever to arrive. He gave me cab money and kissed me goodbye without headbutting me. My girlfriend and I happily retreat and go home.

The next night, he txts me and asks if I want to come out and play. No mention or apology for the previous night. We never did go on that dinner date. I don’t care how much money you have. You have no class.

Delete

Not sure how to figure this one out.

I met him at a singles event. The minute I met him, I was interested. He was tall. He was handsome. Then he talked to me and told me he was a cop. Oh, I LOVE cops! I’ve been dating a cop. He enthralls me and my friends with his cop stories. I think I must have been visibly panting over this guy.

When the event is over, he leaves and sends me a txt message asking me to meet him at a nearby bar. So I go.

As I’m on my way, he txts asking what I want to drink and suggests my FAVORITE beer. It’s an uncommon one, so I am wowed and he says he’ll have it waiting for me when I get there.

I get lost in the parking garage and ask him for directions on how to get to the bar. He says, “Do I need to pull some cop shit and come rescue you?” Yes, as a matter of fact, I’d love a hot man to come rescue me. He does. Turns out I was in a part of the garage that is mostly used by the offices and not the bar and restaurant patrons. He’s a regular and even he had trouble finding me.

We sit down and there’s my beer. We start talking. He tells me the story of why he’s here.

He was at a Halloween party this year. He sees a woman who takes his breath away. He wants to talk to her, but can’t. She gets away. He regrets it.

I jokingly ask, “Was it me?” He says, “Yes, but let me finish.” OMG!!!! I was kidding. Really, it was me?

He says his friends encouraged him to join this singles group. So when he went for his interview, the club owner is showing him pictures of things they have done…and there is my picture. He asks, who is this woman? She says that’s one of our club members. Realizing this is his dream woman that he let get away, he joins the club on the spot.

When he met me, I mentioned that I had been dating a cop. He says he thought I was taken and he say s he almost left that minute.

So the night continues with lots of talking and connecting. He is so nervous and excited. As soon as I realize there is a connection, I lean over and kiss him…just to let him know his interest is welcome. We talk more. He smells soooo good. Smell is a huge thing for me. I believe it’s how we primally connect. We are snuggling in this bar. I say I hope I can live up to his dream of who I am. He says it’s all good. But he is a little concerned. Apparently, he is not totally free, and there is some woman here that knows him and it’s not a comfortable situation for him. So I agree to leave.

He walks me back to my car. We kiss more. A lot of HOT kissing. I really feel a connection to this guy and think the way we met is really special. It ends with him stopping and saying, “Girl, we need to stop, or I’m gonna end up pushing you in this car and getting crazy ,” or something like that. He says he’ll call me and we’ll get together soon.

Soon hasn’t happened. After several days, I txt’d him saying I hoped I hadn’t scared him off with my drunken forwardness. He laughed it off and said no way and he’s just been busy. A week later, I asked if I needed to delete his number from my phone. He laughed and said no, he’d been traveling and would be back soon.

Every time he txt’d me, I responded immediately, then get no response for a day or so. He was the WORST at txt communication. A few weeks after our meeting, I sent him a message that said “delete”.

I never heard from him again. So promising, yet it died so quickly without him telling me it was over. He wanted to meet me so bad, then he let It go so easily. I don’t get it.

The Toad Pool

People often ask me about the origin of The Toad Pool. I’ve also been asked why I number the guys I date. One has even gone so far as to call me insensitive to treat men like numbers and like they don’t matter.

Here’s the story.

#1 and #3 were both named Bill. Both ended poorly. When I would speak of them, my best friend couldn’t keep them straight. She kept asking if this was the Bill who I actually met or the other one. She suggested I use the Seinfeld naming reference…first name plus occupation. So that would be Bill Cop and Bill Tractor Sales. In my frustration, I said they didn’t really deserve to be given names. I decided I would just number them. I would start a betting pool for my friends. My goal was to find a boyfriend. They got to place bets on which number would actually be a winner. I liked my friends who had low numbers because that meant I would find a boyfriend quickly.

So I would refer to them by number from that point. It worked well. #6 was actually a boyfriend who lasted more than a few months. Calling him by number had a side benefit of keeping our relationship anonymous until we were ready to “come out” to our mutual friends.

After that relationship ended, I continued to date and number the men. But something happened. The numbers got into double digits. It stopped being cute referring to them as numbers. It started to make me sound slutty. It’s not that I was sleeping with all of these men. Heck, one of them I never even met. And some of them I never even kissed. So what qualified as a number? I decided #1 deserved a number even though we never met because he had such huge significance in my single life. After that, I stopped giving numbers to the guys who I’d planned to meet that never materialized. There are several of those in the online dating world. So pretty much if we actually go out and meet, you get a number.

I have noticed an odd phenomenon. EVERY odd number has ended badly. Many of the even ones ended badly too, but not every one of them.

Somewhere around 15, I stopped using the numbers publicly. I still keep track. They are still numbered. There is still a Toad Pool in place.