NUMBER ONE

When people hear me refer to #1, they think I mean he was the best. Actually he was probably the worst. I just call him that because he was the first guy I was going to date after having my heart broken.

I knew it would do me no good to sit home and feel sorry for myself. The best way to get over my sadness was to get myself back out in the dating world. So I signed up for two online dating sites. I created what I thought was a nice profile and added some current pictures. I used my real age because I am truthful. Once the profile was posted, I started receiving Winks from men who were interested in me. I’ll admit, at first it was kind of fun. I read every profile and looked at lots of pictures of lonely old men taking their photos in the bathroom mirror. Ugh. I clicked the polite “Thanks, but not interested” link. Delete, delete, delete.

I used the search feature to find men that I was interested. My membership required me to contact 5 members each month anyway. So I started writing to a few men. I really put effort in these messages. I wrote letters describing what I liked about their profiles and ways that I would fit into their lives. I was witty. I was clever. I was pretty. I was available. I hit send and anxiously awaited their responses. Who wouldn’t want to go out with me? And then I waited more. I could see they read my messages…but no response. Really? That’s when I realized it wasn’t enough that *I* liked them. They had to like me too. Maybe I needed to look at those bathroom mirror pictures again.

Eventually, a guy contacted me and he was acceptable. Not hot, not perfect, but he seemed nice. We corresponded back and forth over about a week. Eventually we decided we should meet. He suggested coffee and we decided on a time and location. We exchanged phone numbers…just in case. A few hours before our meeting, he txt’d me saying he was running late at the uniform store (he was a cop and just starting a new job). I told him I would be available after 4 when my kids go back to their dad. He said, “it’s our first date!”

Then nothing. I kept waiting for him to let me know what time he finished and would be available. After awhile, I worried that maybe he misunderstood my txt and thought we were actually meeting at 4. So I txt’d him. I also called and left a message. Nothing. I sent an email from the dating site.

Nothing. Wow. I had never been stood up in my entire life. Here is the first date I’ve had. I’m nervous and excited. And I got stood up.

Several months later, I received an email from him on the dating site. No explanations. Just popped in saying hi and asking how things are going. I responded and told him he had some nerve contacting me after what he did to me and asked him to never contact me again.

He’s a dick. He still sends me messages every few months. I just delete them and remember how my single life began.

Ground Zero

It’s probably best to start my blog with an explanation of how I got here. Before I joined the dating ranks. Before I started The Toad Pool. Before there was a numbering system. There was just Ground Zero.

He was going to be my first post-divorce fling. I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him. I was still married…unhappily. There was this beautiful man in my friend’s pool. Before I knew it, he was in my bedroom, doing repairs on a faulty water line. I was tongue tied. Over the next two years, he would return occasionally and do more work. He was our handyman…and my fantasy.

Over time, I learned that he lived out of state, but visited his brother (my friend’s husband) occasionally. He didn’t drink. He loved country music. Oh, and he had a girlfriend in CA. Really, we had nothing in common. Yet I lusted. So did all the married women in our neighborhood. We used to compare notes about whether he took his shirt off while painting our houses, etc.

So when I left my ex-husband, I figured he’d be the first guy I wanted to go out with, but knew it wouldn’t amount to anything. Which was perfect. I really just wanted to be alone and enjoy the freedom of being single. I had felt trapped for so long.

I was mistaken. He came back from CA and was single. We started dating. He was perfect for me. We fell deeply in love. After a few months, he moved in with me. I was never happier. We did so much together, and he was great with my kids. Our life was good and we felt like a family. Except that he only lived with me about 80% of the time. The other times, he was in CA staying at his parent’s house and doing work there. I was faithful and missed him terribly when he was gone. Sometimes he’d surprise me by coming home early. That was the best present ever.

We talked about how we could be together full-time. He hated AZ and I would have loved to live in San Diego, but I had my kids and couldn’t legally move them across state lines.

His mom had amputation surgery and he was needed in CA. He spent more and more time there. By the end, it was more like 50% of the time. Finally after almost 2 years together, he gave me an ultimatum: he was lonely and the only way we were going to last was if I moved there. I said yes. We started making plans…where we were going to live and where I would work and what I would do about the kids. He went back to CA and I started making arrangements with my ex regarding how to give up custody of my kids. Did I mention how much I loved this man? I would have done anything to be with him and I was doing it. There were more reasons to give up custody, but I won’t go into them here. But it made sense to me at the time. I was happy and excited. Finally we were building the life we had wanted and were going to be together.

Then I got the email. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. He wasn’t comfortable with the sacrifices I was making. We talked it out and got back together and he broke up with me again via email. He came to town and we worked it out again. When he left town again, I said I better not get another email from him. I didn’t. I got a txt message.

Luckily the ink wasn’t dry on the custody agreement. I suffered the worst heartbreak I’ve ever known. I later discovered that he had a new girlfriend in CA that he had started seeing while we were together. When he gave the ultimatum, he probably figured I would say no and we would end it. I guess I called his bluff.

So the man I loved didn’t really exist. I loved a man who was good hearted and faithful and loved me as much as I loved him. Not the cheater I ended up with. But I did love him fully and with all of my heart and soul. At first I missed him terribly. Now I realize that I miss the life we had together and I would love to have that again. Is it possible to love that fully again? I certainly hope so. Without that hope, what’s the point?

Did I mention I loved him?